Bring a Knife to a Gun Fight

(but be invisible, obv)

Actually, the hands are weird, but it's okay. There's plenty of pouncy stabby.

Playing as the Hidden is a fairly discreet affair. You can talk with no-one, and nobody is usually on your team. Just after you kill the Hidden, there's this moment of farewell. You're going off to have fun times, darting about with a lethal knife and feeling like Captain Awesome – your team mates, who may have protected you, covered your back, limped away from the Hidden as you expertly took it down – these people are now your frightened prey. If you remember last weekend's tale of derring-do, you'll recall that it was my turn to play this crazed mash-up between L4D's Hunter and TF2's Spy.

The round restarts, my vision is bright, and I'm holding a knife. The first thing I do is panic. After all, I can't take anyone down at range, and there are six of them pointing assault rifles and shotguns at each other as I dawdle. Six! I use my most important tool – the pounce, default middle mouse – to leap across the levels and find a cozy spot to plan my attack. Planning; this is key to success as The Hidden. They don't have a plan, because they don't know where you are. They're ready to react to the slightest twitch. You need to have the plan. And I do.

This map has a raised area with high vaulted ceilings, full of servers (of course). There are other areas, like a huge reception and a crowded canteen, but I'd noticed a tendency for this group to camp up there and just wait for some action. Some people will complain if Team IRIS are camping, but I say, let them. I have ways.


Games that let you do cool shit from monster films should get a medal.

So I make my way, using quick pounces with a shallow arc, to this raised warren of servers and gorgeous marble floors. There is glass separating me from a shotgun. He doesn't see me, but shoots the glass anyway. As he turns, I use the knife's secondary fire, the "pig sticker" (ewwwww). It's a slow-firing instant kill which is great for breaking up a group of campers quickly, but as you deliver the lethal lunge, your character lets out a creepy, reverberant growl.

It announces my presence to the group, and they cluster around as I leap onto a high marble beam. They pan around pathetically, looking left, looking right, while I size them up from my lofty perch. Some even let off shots. They're panicked. Then, to my immediate glee, three of them break off, leaving two behind. I wait for the away team – moving with a worrying cohesion – to distance themselves. They can go hunt me elsewhere.

Just like the Spy and the Hunter, the Hidden must balance patience with controlled aggression and timely retreat. I descend behind the two stragglers, slash each of them once with the knife's primary attack – three of these hits will kill someone outright - then I pounce directly up. They pan wildly, left and right, up and down, trying to spot me. I drop down again, and slash furiously. I stay crouched, because it lends more distance to your pounce, but it also confuses the hell out of Team IRIS. I land a hit on one, two on the other, killing him. He turns out to be The Biggest BaSS. I grab his body. The Hidden can slash bodies with his knife to gain health, somehow, but I don't need any right now. Instead, I want to give the illusion of movement. I throw the body past the surviving squad member and pounced past him, round a corner, then up. He is fooled, thinking I've darted past him and into the network of corridors, to recover. Like a good soldier, he gives chase. Then I drop down behind him.

His death is swift. I use my aura view - a second sight that can be activated in such a moment of calm - to find the three others, and they appear to be clustered in a blob in some distant area behind me. Hmm. Just what are they up to?


That inverted Union Jack is pretty weird looking, too.